Liking and Loving
Psychologist Zick Rubin has opened up a research field related to constructing a measure of loving and how it might be distinguished from liking. A "likable" person is someone who is viewed as good or desirable in a number of ways. We not only like people to whom we are attracted, as described above, but we also like people who are intelligent, competent, and trustworthy. We try to choose people whom we like to work with and to do things with. Of course, we may like a given person for some reason, but wonder if it can lead to love. Rubin has put loving and liking on a scale, which at least helps to try to objectify the differences. The scale, which has been used with college students, spans a wide range of thoughts, feelings, and behavioral predispositions. Although everyone has his own definition of loving and liking, the scale does provide us with some practical leads. The "love" scale includes items that seem to tap intimate feelings (e.g., "I feel that I can confide in [name] about virtually anything"). It tries to identify the things that make up the components of attachment (e.g., "If I were lonely, my first thought would be to seek [name] out"). There are also "caring" items (e.g., "If [name] were feeling bad, my first duty would be to cheer him [her] up").
Items on the "liking" scale center on such dimensions as adjustment, maturity, and good judgment. Examples include, "I think that [name] is unusually well-adjusted"; "In my opinion, [name] is an exceptionally mature person"; and "I have great confidence in [name's] good judgment."
Students put these items under love: "It would be hard for me to get along without [name].". In contrast, the "liking" items include such statements as "1 think [name] is one of those people who quickly wins respect"; and [name] is one of the most likable people 1 know."
Admittedly, these distinctions are somewhat arbitrary, and items in one list often shade into the other. Then, too, liking and loving should, ideally, go together if the individual is to be truly happy. In other words, everyone must make up his or her own list.
Although the classic date is becoming outmoded for many college students, the problems of liking and loving still exist. The strategies of selecting the light person relate to one of the most important decisions most of us make-marriage.
