How to deal with your angry mate?

Communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship, but it can be hard to express yourself, or hear what anyone else has to say, when you’re mad. Some people find it even harder when someone else is mad at them. Even when emotions run high, listening to anger is important. Understanding where anger comes from is the first step in opening the road to honest communication.

Dealing With an Angry Mate

The thing to remember when listening to anger is to “respond” instead of “react.” A reaction is gut instinct. When someone hurts us, our natural reaction is to strike back. The more aggressive the response to an action or comment, the more likely the situation will escalate to the point where effective communication is all but impossible.

A response is different. Human beings are unique in their ability to choose a response after listening to anger rather than merely reacting out of instinct. Only humans can opt to remain calm when a situation escalates, thereby increasing the chances that things can be worked out. Offering rational, calm responses to emotional mates is the best way to diffuse a loaded moment.

How to Give "I" Messages

One of the worst things to do when in verbal confrontation is to start in with a list of what sounds like blame. Saying something like, “You’re always late,” instantly puts the other person on the defensive (especially if he chooses to react rather than respond.) Instead, try and phrase things using “I Messages,” or phrases that focus on what you think or how you feel. You might say, “I was really upset when we missed the movie. It would mean a lot to me if we could try and be on time.” In this instance, you are still expressing yourself, but it doesn’t come off as an attack.

Give the Benefit of the Doubt

It’s easy to jump to conclusions when anger gets in the way.  The negative voices in your head can be very convincing, but a responder learns to moderate those voices and give her loved one the benefit of the doubt. Give your loved one every possible excuse for her behavior. Maybe she had a bad day at work. Maybe she recently had an argument with someone else. Whatever the case, try and acknowledge her anger and then look for the source of it. Try saying something like, “Wow, I can see you’re really upset. I’m sorry about that. Did something happen today?”

Change Your Behavior

We are creatures of habit. It’s hard to rewire ourselves to respond instead of react when listening to anger. One of the most effective ways to increase communication with an angry person is to try out new behaviors. Changing our behavior isn’t easy, but it can have dramatic results. One of the simplest ways to try this technique is to ask yourself, “what do I feel like doing right now,” and then try doing the exact opposite. If your loved one yells at you, you might feel like slamming the door in his face, but a better response might be to give him a hug. This won’t seem natural at first, but it will increase communication.

Alternatively, when confronting an angry loved one you may be tempted to fight back. At a time like this, the best option is often to leave the situation entirely and allow yourself (and your loved one) a chance to cool down. This would be a good time to go for a walk, listen to your favorite music, or write in a journal.