Commitment phobia is something that has historically been a stereotype predominantly attached to men in relationships who are afraid of getting married. However commitment phobia is much more prevalent in all of us than we may at first like to admit. How committed are we to our own development? To our well being? To making healthy and positive choices in our lives? I bet there are a few areas most of us can isolate as not being exactly where we want them to be.
Why So Scared?
Let’s breakdown the reasons why we don’t commit to ourselves. Firstly there’s probably a pay-off to not changing things or implementing other choices. Are we not exercising regularly because if we lost weight we might get attention we aren’t ready for? Or are we not creating boundaries with our demanding boss because that would mean we would lose sympathy and not be able to play the martyr anymore in our work situations? We have to be able to ask ourselves, what is the pay-off to this situation and how can I find another way to get what I need without playing into the same old patterns of sabotaging or victimizing myself. After looking at the pay-off that keeps you stuck, next look at what is scary about making a certain change, write down those fears on paper and see if they are a) factual and b) rational. If they are not write down the reasons why they aren’t. A big part of why we don’t commit is because we are actually comfortable where we are and many of us don’t think it’s worth risking something that we know makes us unhappy for a discomfort that is new and unknown.
It Takes Time
Commitment phobia has a lot to do with patience also. Are we willing to spend some time in the unknown to reach our goal? When we leave the familiar, we make a difficult choice and we have to be able to wade through the period of time when we don’t see results right away. Knowing that you will experience this can help in minding your expectations as you remind yourself that this is a process. It is so important to stick with it and not give up, or to get right back on the horse if we fall off our track.
Action Plan
Now plan of action. Write down the fears that are standing in the way – even if you decide not to do anything about them right away, putting them down on paper will get them out of your head at least. Whether it’s fear of failure, rejection or fear of success or getting exactly what you want, we have to be willing to at least look at the reasons why we are struggling if we are going to attempt to find a way out. Next read that list to someone you trust, and ask them to witness you and to also help you act as a lawyer fighting in your own defense – again asking if the fears are factual/rational and if they are, how you can find a different way of looking at them.
Change Perception
Perception has a lot to do with how we see commitment, whether that is a commitment to ourselves or to a partner, a career, a hobby or a lifestyle choice. If we can see commitment as a way of receiving love from ourselves, there is no doubt, we will be rewarded with the support of everything around us.
